Hey I'd been really looking forward to going to the local gym today. I've been sat for the last two weeks podging out on the great food and Tracker bars at work and ogling the beautiful women there (one of the best places for eye-candy I've ever known). I might actually get dating one of these women, if I could stop drooling and rubbing my thighs, going 'phhhhwwwoooooar'. It really puts women off, I've noticed. Anyway, previous to this pigging-out period, I'd been getting to the gym three times a week, but last week I just couldn't manage it due to the fact my arms were shot to pieces after the 220-mile motorbike journey from Scotland. I really fancied getting to the gym, then in the pool and sauna to chill out.

Then, just to piss me off, I got a support call from one of my website clients. Apparently he was having trouble sending emails from his office, but had no trouble receiving them. Which seemed a bit strange. Anyway, I took a look at my server, and on the face of it I could not see anything wrong. 'I know', I thought, 'I'll give the hosting company a call', with whom I've had no cause to complain up until now.

'Oh yes, sir, that will cost £60 per half hour to remedy', he gallantly announced over the phone. 'You f*ckin' what?', I thought. Yeah, he kinda got the point about where he could shove that advice. I'm a tight Yorkshire git.

So, after picking my jaw up off the floor, I went about trying to remedy the problem myself. I felt pretty pissed off at the fact I was having to try and solve a problem with THEIR proprietary component. I was also astounded that it wasn't covered in the normal payment plan. But nevertheless I'd did some investigation, and after a couple of hours, I found out the problem. The SMTP server component unceremoniously dumps a copy of all emails into a folder on a separate drive on my server, and there were 75,000 (yes I kid you not) emails in the email folder! 75,000!! No wonder the email server wasn't functioning! Which brings me to my point, eventually!

Spammers are scum! Why don't they just f*ck off? They are complete scumbags! I feel nothing but contempt for these people. I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire. They hog all the bandwidth on the internet and basically cause no end of problems for most people who use it.

I really, really wanted to go to the gym today, not sit for four hours trying to figure out a f*cking spam-induced catastrophe.

I would stick them in prison for life, seize all their assets and make them pay financial compensation for all the other people's time the f*ckin' scumbags have wasted.

I don't need Viagra, I can maintain a perfectly normal erection, thankyou very much. I've had no complaints. And I don't need to be told 'I can shoot like a porn star with their products', especially when my mum is taking a look over my shoulder at which project I'm currently working on. She now thinks I am a blue-pill-popping pervert with a constant stiffy.

And can someone tell me what the f*ck Cialis is meant to be?

Yes, I got slightly wound up today. Anyway, come hell or high water, I'm going to the gym tomorrow.

Spam: slightly more problematic than the cruddy brown meat-like substance from which the internet annoyance of our age derives its name. GC